May I Feel Said He

May I Feel Said He

may i feel said he

(i’ll squeal said she

just once said he)

it’s fun said she

(may i touch said he

how much said she

a lot said he)

why not said she

(let’s go said he

not too far said she

what’s too far said he

where you are said she)

may i stay said he

(which way said she

like this said he

if you kiss said she

may i move said he

is it love said she)

if you’re willing said he

(but you’re killing said she

but it’s life said he

but your wife said she

now said he)

ow said she

(tiptop said he

don’t stop said she

oh no said he)

go slow said she

(cccome?said he

ummm said she)

you’re divine!said he

(you are Mine said she)

~E.E Cummings


To Prove A Point

To Prove A Point

G and I have spent some time together more than usual lately. Last weekend I hung out at his place long enough to watch 3 Netflix movies; falling asleep during the 3rd and getting home 1/4 til 3 in the morning. We text all week small talk here and there. We talk more about him not wanting to date, never getting married, never having kids. He’s set in his ways. He enjoys living alone, doing whatever he wants when he wants, never having to justify his choices to anyone, playing golf and poker, and being anti-social.

When I left, he texts me on my way home thanking me for coming over and the human interaction (cuddling on the couch) was nice.We both wanted to see Red Sparrow. We make arrangements to see it last night at an advanced screening. I didn’t want to show up hungry, or show up full so I asked if he wanted to grab dinner before hand. We settle for Buffalo Wild Wings prior to the movie.

During dinner we talk about work (him and Dad still work together) and the changes that are taking place within their area. I mentioned I was worried dad would be pushed out again, having a repeat of losing his job a few years ago. We go back and forth until G gets a bit defensive about me saying Dad was “pushed out”. He tells me that wasn’t the case and we discuss it. Only this time he tells me something different than what he told me a few years ago. I call him out on it. “But that’s not what you said last time we met a few years ago.” He looks at me confused and we go on about the conversation in length. He didn’t seemed pleased on the call out. I cannot stand when people change their story 🙄. What he told me then didn’t match up to what he told me now. I called him out to clear confusion. But nevertheless, the conversation ends and we decide to head to the theater next door. Only this time, unlike all the times before it, he splits the bill. Hmm proving the point this isn’t a date.

AMC has stepped up their theater game. I pay for our sodas with my reward points (I didn’t pay him for the tickets so that equals out, right?). In the theater there is no contact at all. The arm rest stays in place, we keep our hands to ourselves (although I had every intention to do so anyways). Proving a point again.

Red Sparrow is an amazing movie, by the way. Highly recommend you check it out. It’s interesting our they use seduction as a means of manipulation. Hmmm..sounds familiar 😂

I actually forget he’s next to me, the theater is so dark and I’m really engrossed in the movie. After we walk out I mention I’m the opposite way from where he parked. We hug goodnight and part ways. He didn’t walk me to my car. Granted lots of people were out and around the shopping area, but I walk alone to my car in the busy lot as I text Mother I’m on my way home. This is a safe feeling as I walk alone. Someone knows where I am and I looked occupied.

I really don’t care I walked alone to the car. Could he have walked with me and I drove him to his car, or vice versa? Sure. But it was that silent proving a point notion. The unspoken proven point.

This wasn’t a date.


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So I’m sick again it seems. Laryngitis. Thanks to the parents who had it. I’m healthy as fuck too. I just had to cancel on G. I was suppose to go over to his place tomorrow and watch the game, hang out. Instead he’ll go over to the neighbors who he said has been trying to coerce him over. Told him to go. Show face, have a beer.

I’ve been in bed most of the afternoon. Drinking water and hot tea with lemon. I hate being sick. 😷😤

Awkward…now what?

So I mention last post or so ago that I was reconnecting with G. (The Gambling friend of my parents they don’t mind I see). Being someone who needs attention and likes conversation, I signed up again on Bumble. I’ve been on for maybe a week. Tonight, I decided to change the settings to see if he came up.

He was the





Let’s back up a bit. Just after New Years we met up for dinner (sushi / hibachi place) to catch up. We haven’t seen or really spoken in 2 years. Not out of spite, of course. Just living separate lives since our 1 month trial period and him breaking it off after he came up for a weekend.

Skip to this past Sunday (now a week ago) where I went to his house with a bottle wine (Apothic Red) to chill out; get outta the house, watch football, and a movie (The Craft, I got to pick). He went and picked up hot wings for me before I got there cause I said I was hungry and wanted them. It was nice, we chatted on and off and he snuggled up to me during the movie. I enjoyed it. I felt a belonging.

Part of me is laughing and this, the other half is doubting myself and possibility of starting something new. (And then the hypocrisy comes in…) I told Mom I’m starting to give up on him. Our convos are so off and on and when I initiate I over think I’m being too needy. She’s says baby steps, and we are a lot alike. Maybe I am being impatient?

I joined Bumble to see what was out here in AZ. Meet people. It’s not working. Tones of matches but nobody talks. I did manage to find a Sissy looking for a FLR, so that was interesting 😂

Anyways. We were suppose to see a movie this weekend of his friend came to down and they left to play in a poker tournament.

Sooooo….do I swipe right or left? Do I ask him about it or mention it? True, these profiles can stay on for a while if the account isn’t unsubscribed completely. (That happened when I found one guy in LV and he was engaged. Turned out they met on Bumble a year prior to my stumbling on his profile and are now married).



As you know, I love creative writing and poetry.

Depression has been a shadow over me yesterday and today. This spoken word is all the feels and explains what I’ve mostly been experiencing emotionally lately.



  • I am living on my parents couch. I was in my brothers room for 2 nights since he’s gone back to college, but I just got dumped on the couch again tonight due to a family visitor through the weekend.


  • I am still unemployed. No source of income. I used the $200 I got back from grants to cover a bill. I have been turned down for 5 Jobs now within the last month. Even ones I was “highly qualified” for.


  • I’m trying to hold it together. Little by little it all is coming apart. I’m also off my anxiety medication cause I’m waiting on my dad’s cousin in Vegas to send it (when they said they sent it last week before the weekend).


  • I don’t need to be reminded I owe people money. Or that you don’t have much either.
  • I want to sign up for the $10 monthly gym membership to get back into my fitness I’ve now been a month out from, and because it gets me out of the house and makes me happy.


  • I’m unhappy.